I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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