I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
