If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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