He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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