We won't sleep together?
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
