Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
