Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
