We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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