So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
