His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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