my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
