Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
