he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
high people should be assigned attendants
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
