Jerry, you need to find god
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
