I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
