aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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