i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
