i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
