The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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