The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
