so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
barbara walters just said penis...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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