i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
