I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
