U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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