We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
