Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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