if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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