you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
