Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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