Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
