Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
