he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
