It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
