Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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