Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
