Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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