Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
