Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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