just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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