I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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