I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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