I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
