Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
