I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
