Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
