We're facebook friends in real life
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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