I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I want her autograph on my taint
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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