Sponge bath it is.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
