I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
