i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
