I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Randomize
