she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
