Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
